Trembling Hands by Explosions by the Sky panoramic stereo
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we are just a speck of dust in this world we call universe

22 and a bit


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there are some mistakes you should learn from others,
and there are some you should make yourself.
like one that got away or rather,
the one you pushed away or some version of it.
it is a right of passage.

i was scared, i am scared.
back then that fear
made me abandon ship,

but now i will look it in the eye
and suck it up.
with no regrets

cause getting scared with you
of all the uncertainties
is a lot better than

facing a day
more certain
that you wont

be at my side

year 1

so its been almost a year now, what can i say, what I’m sure of is a lot wiser now, though i still have a lot to learn, and yes, this post is specifically for you. and by that i mean i still haven’t lost an inch of that stuff for you, whatever its called nowadays. oh yeah i should thank you for your continuous nagging about me smoking, it worked, i stopped, though ‘it’ ended before i ever managed to do it. i was thinking you’ll be all proud of me if we’re still y’know. and as i think of it in retrospect, it may have been  because as i was frustrated of all the things happening to me then that was way out of my control, and the fear of your disappointment in me, that pushed me to do bad decisions, smoking is the least of those things. but its all well and good now. well back to what i was supposed to thank you for, the insurances, man they could have been a lot more expensive if it weren’t for you so thank you. you made me save a lot of money.

so yeah all those thinking in retrospect thing, jeez i was stupid, well i still am, but i’m a lot less stupid nowadays that i wish i haven’t done things i did. i mean i don’t regret it cause now i know what its like to be a stupid person knows better to steer away from such things.

well ive been stuck here for hours thinking the things to say, but what i really want to say is, you are a golden needle in an earth made of haystack, for a lack of a better analogy, i’m only just realizing how truly lucky i was back then. back then when life was much simpler. i mean it was complicated back then, but not as complicated as it is now. you were the first and only one ive thought of spending the rest of my days with. starting a life, having kids. it felt right. and i was thinking why i thought that is, and realize its because how much you loved me, i was not worthy of it, incapable back then of thinking how much you have put through with me. but now, it is a pipe-dream. you have a life set for you there and i have mine here, and as a song i know goes by

And all the miles that we have put between us

have been filled with loving blisters and sour truths.”

 we both had bruises, you more than me. and im sorry. im sorry, like gloria once said to the world, i am sorry. and thank you, for i can say once i had the privileged of experiencing true love, in all its shades. (of grey nee haha)

at the end, i just want to know, how’re you doing. i imagine you’re holding up with life quite well, and to that guy next to you, you can mess up, just dont mess up the way i did.

P.S. i think this piece of drama would serve as a good material for song writing dont you think?

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was supposed to

im suppose to pick you up

drive you around, to school, to work

and im suppose to take you home

whenever you might be

im suppose to treat you dinner

and a movie afterwards

and im suppose to take you home

and kiss you goodnight

im suppose to take you places

on the beach, outside town

and im suppose to take you with me

whenever my family’s around

im suppose to tell your parents

how much i love their daughter

and im suppose to prove to them

that i could take care of you

im suppose to take care of you

when youre feeling unwell

make you a bowl of soup, give you medicine

and stay beside you till you sleep

im suppose to sing you songs

sweet lovely songs

and im suppose to take you stargazing

and sing you lullabies

youre suppose to be the queen

and ill be your king

we’ll live in a castle

made by our own hands

were suppose to rule the world

where only you and i exists

and im suppose to make your dreams come true

and its suppose to be a happy ever after

but now than i can

i let you go

and those goodnights

turned into goodbyes

and now that i cant

i guess ill find someone

someone like you

who’ll forever be in my heart

and you i did find someone

she has pretty eyes like you

and her long curly hair like yours

her skin so soft

and her lips so sweet

her voice so tender 

i could never tire listening to her

and what do you know

its you, its you my love

its you all along,

and if you want me to wait a lifetime

then i will, i will, i will

Would you change your religious beliefs to marry the person you love? Why or why not?

mahirap na tanong nga naman. pero kung nakapag google si supsup;

1st; believe in no religion for it is subject to human intervention e.g. all these rituals

2nd; to marry is to have a fundamental unity and “faith” between two people among other things.

people might think that you’ll do anything for love, for it is worth it, even changing your beliefs. but love is brought by emotions, feelings, and feelings are changing.

faith on the other hand, is not based on any proof, but of God’s truth/word, and it is unchanging.

3rd; “AI have my faith and my principles, and this is what makes me who I am. And if that person loves me, he should love my God, too.”

it’s too personal
fundamental flaw on her statement.

she should have said, If he loves God who is above as all, not my God, or Gods created by men, but our God who has created this ‘universe’, then i know that he has a greater understanding of love and understanding, and if it’s God’s plan for us to marry, then i see nothing that should otherwise prevent that.

so ayan its actually a very good question, kailangan lang tlgang sobrang pagisipan.

just ask whatever

i may get intoxicated once in a while
but not as much as i am to you

not to say that i know all about it,
but i understand it much better now, love.

i wish i know what to say to you but i’ve got nothing
coz i am nothing without you.

i tried to forget all about you coz of the misery and pain memories of you bring
but if it also means forgetting all the good memories we had, i’d rather endure it.

aysus, aysus

that pearly shell in the ocean, that diamond in the sky

Psalm 23:1-6

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
 3 he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
   for his name’s sake. 
4 Even though I walk 
   through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil, 
   for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, 
   they comfort me.

 5 You prepare a table before me 
   in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil; 
   my cup overflows. 
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
   all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 

i wasn’t able to prepare a proper eulogy so i’ll just be posting this here;

my mom was first diagnosed of breast cancer in 2005. she had treatment and went into remission for 4 years.

she went back to work as soon as she can, a proof of her dedication to her work.

in 2009 her disease metastasized to her bones and she had treatment.

in 2010 had her first seizure due to tumors in her brain and then she underwent into treatment again.

in 2011 the tumor in her brain had spread that it paralyzed her left side.

for 7 years she continually fought her disease never losing hope, always having the courage to fight for another day.

for 7 years we felt secured and had the luxury of not feeling the burden she had for she never showed us weakness.

on her final days, her cancer has spread to her bones, brain, liver… she was under a lot of pain relievers and even on her sleep due to medication, she shows us how she loved her work. there was this time she was asking for “pop smears” and “slides” and we laughed. 

even when she was bedridden she always requested us to give her a bath everyday for as long as she can even if it gives her pain. even moving her a little gave her so much pain but  she endured it. it also caused her to have difficulty eating and we can only give her a few drops of fluids a day. even that gave her difficulty swallowing and often times choked. her cancer even spread to her throat, we heard stories that those who are in the stages of cancer like my mom’s shout because of the pain, but we were spared of hearing her scream in pain. 

i didnt really appreciated holding her hands or stroking her hair so much back then, to me it was as much as that and nothing more. there are times that even after having been given pain relievers, she is still in pain, i was so helpless, all i can do was hold her hands and stroke her head. i never really knew how much comfort small gestures can give to someone until that time.

upon hearing that her sister is coming home from hawaii, she showed us again her courage and resolve to continued fighting. she requested for and drank water and vegetable juice more than she usually could just so that she could have enough strength to wait for her and respond when they meet.

she even had the strength to wait for her grand daughter and spend time with her one last time. my mom heard how she was doing good at school and she sang to my mom;

Twinkle twinkle little star, 

How I wonder what you are, 

Up above the world so high, 

Like a diamond in the sky….

when i was in kinder i remember myself crying out “mama dear!” at school whenever my mom leaves me and like the whole school would hear me shout. i was a child back then and although at that time i have no idea what it is that made me totally dependent to her, it is a child’s instinct to always look for her mother and be with her. and now that she has left us here on earth, we cry her name, my heart cries “mama dear!” like a child missing her mother.

they say we are one and the same in one thing, and that is that everyone dies, eventually. but i say there’s another thing we are equal in, and that is that we have our lord Jesus Christ, and that we are given a choice to receive himas our personal lord and savior.

today we may grieve a lost of a mother, a wife, a daugther, a sister, a friend. we may shed tears and feel sorrow and pain. and it is not because we don’t want her to be in heaven with our lord, but because we love her deeply. the memories and experiences, the pain and laughter, the joy and tears we shared with her. but we seek comfort to the word of the lord, of the gift of eternal life. and it is not something that we have to earn, but by his faith we are saved, and all we have to do is to receive it. now i know my mom is well, she has been born again without any sickness, pain or suffering for she dwells in the kingdom of god. she is resting in peace now, and has eternal comfort with the lord.

she showed us a lot things. her dedication to her work and to her family, her unwavering strength and courage a midst all the difficulties. it has been a journey for her and for us as well. we prayed for sustenance, provisions, and strength and surrendered everything to the lord. we prayed for a miracle and even though my mom’s journey here on earth has ended, god really is a faithful god, and he has my deepest gratitude for she has given us,especially my mom, lots of miracles. miracles we take for granted. 

To all our friends and family, to all the people she has touched, thank you for all your prayers and unwavering support you have given us along the way. you are his miracle that he gave to us. we are my mom’s legacy.


january 22, 1959 - june 25, 2011

you are that pearly shell in the ocean, that diamond in the sky.

i love you mama.

wws entries

how f*ed up it is to wrap yourself around a make believe idea of your own imagining then actually believing in it and getting screwed with it
someday you little kids will understand

her breath in my neck
her hands in my chest
it all seemed perfect

i found the perfect woman
i wasn’t the perfect man
its all bound to end